United States of Confederacy

CSA: The Confederate States of America is a great movie, the spiritual progeny of Do the Right Thing (Spike Lee signed on to produce the movie after it had already been released), proof that creativity can overcome budgetary constrictions and the final nail in the coffin of Paul Haggis's tame and obvious Crash. In his Oscar acceptance speech Haggis quoted Bertolt Brecht: “Art is not a mirror held up to society, it is a hammer by which to shape it.” In CSA the mirror is the hammer and I dare someone to peer into it honestly without flinching.

The premise is that the Confederacy wins the Civil War and slavery doesn't go away, ever. The movie is a faux-documentary (mockumentary is inappropriate and inaccurate) from the perspective of a BBC film crew in the late 1990's, but it is now being broadcast on "Confederate Television," which includes commercials that are the most shocking and guiltly exciting, parts of the documentary. The bracingly racist commercials are the comic relief that fulfils the promise of the movie's opening quote: “If you’re going to tell people the truth, you better make them laugh; otherwise they’ll kill you.” Most of those laughs are just to fill the uncomfortable silence in the room as you watch the movie.

The movie closes with the revelation that the most racist scenes in the movie where taken from real life. While that ending is informative, it felt redundant after the commercial for "Runaway", "Cops" with a different theme song, a hillbilly blue-grass reworking of the iconic "Bad Boys" song. As I squirmed and listened to "Run boy, run boy, gonna catch you, run boy, run boy, ain't gonna get away," I stared at the U.S.A, not the C.S.A.

Some critics have questioned the historical interpretation of the movie, pointing out that it is light on historical accuracy and most of its presumptions wouldn't have happened. When a movie starts with the assumption that the U.S. still has legal slavery, it is safe to say that they have taken some liberties with history, but that is besides the point. The C.S.A. would be a straw man, a flat metaphor, if it was just an faux-cautionary tale of a history we barely avoided. The scary thing is that as evil as the C.S.A is- and it is evil enough to advise Hitler that it considered the Holocaust an immoral waste of manpower- it is just a rose by another name (how does "the American Holocaust" sound?). The C.S.A. took all of the Indian land and then sent the natives to boarding schools that eradicated their culture, it conscripted Chinese labors to builds the railroads, it practiced segregation (they called it "Separate and Unequal" and noted that it had the had the benefit of "letting the Mexicans know their place, and keeping them there"), and it formally ruled South America. That is a U.S. history course written with bracing honesty, from the victim's perspective, and it begs the question: "Who wrote our history?"

The film history of the C.S.A is a recreation of our own as well. Gone with the Wind becomes A Northern Wind, D.W. Griffith's The Hunt for Dishonest Abe replaces The Birth of a Nation, and WWII propaganda films and anti-Communist films become about literal race wars and abbies (the abolitionist communist equivalents in the C.S.A). Many people point out Abraham Lincoln's speech in Dishonest Abe (Lincoln in black-face says: "I ain't no prez'dent! I'z a darky!") as the most shocking scene in the movie, but for me the fictional speech that stood out was from the 1940 war movie, The Dark Jungle: "This world is made for the God fearing, to use as we see fit. For awhile these savages thought it was theirs, but their just renting it. It's ours, it was always ours, we just ain't claimed it all... yet. Kill em all, and let God sort em out." I would laugh, but then a coworker called me a coward last year because I "wouldn't defend our country in Iraq."

The C.S.A does suffer occasionally from its low budget; some sets are non-existent, some of the acting is uneven (I would like to praise Rupert Pate as the pro-C.S.A. talking head, he is excellent) and some of the green screen work is glaring. Fortunately, the strength of the writing carries the movie and overcomes any small technical glitches. Beyond being incendiary, it is consistently entertaining and features some riotously funny moments (the C.S.A.'s position on reparations springs to mind). This is the best movie of the 2006 (even if imdb.com says it was made in 2004) and I wish it received some Academy buzz, and the attention that went along with that. The academy likes statement movies that make us feel self-righteously warm and fuzzy, CSA is too busy setting American history on fire to remind that those watching it are exempt from its recriminations.

Amsher is bending to my will

Yesterday I got a call from Amsher, the company that bought my debt from T-Mobile. I informed the caller that I sent a certified letter of dispute to the company. Surprise, surprise, they hadn't received it. I am so glad that sent that letter certified, because otherwise I bet they would just throw it away. Letter or no, they would like to settle with me.

I said I still didn't owe any money, but what is their offer?
"180 dollars."
"That's still a lot more than zero, but thanks for the information. I'll call you when I find out that my letter has reached you."

So in less than a month of wrangling, I now owe less than half what I owe originally. While an infinite series of getting half off would never reach zero, it would reach a number that I find acceptable (say... twenty dollars) in a little more than three months. By that point my credit would probably be in bad shape though.

What to watch if you can't afford Tivo

I love television. It is the most easily accessible way to get from point A (now) to point B (the sweet release of death). I think I have fairly exacting, if idiosyncratic, standards of how I waste my time in front of the Teevee. Here is my night by night guide of what is good on network TV.

Monday (all times are Eastern Standard, which is to say, standard everywhere but Central, where I live) :
7:00: "Jeopardy," ABC, still the best game show on television. Assume that is what you watch at every night, because I like to feel good about myself before wasting my entire night (which is four or five hours long, since I get home at six and go to bed by eleven). Maybe you don't consider watching "Jeopardy" productive, but I always feel like I learned something.
7:30: There are about 20 good sitcoms in syndication to get you from 7:30 to the beginning of network shows, which usually aren't as good as what is in syndication. "Seinfeld" is on Fox, and that is usually what I watch.

8:00: Go eat dinner and turn off the TV. This is the valley of dry bones as far as entertainment goes. Not even any enjoyable empty calories with junk like "Deal or No Deal", "Wife Swap" and "Prison Break" ("24" with more contrivances, but a prettier, unfortunately male, cast. Plus, Wentworth Miller's brother on the show should button one more button on his shirt, he is running around like he is in a club in South Beach).
9:00: "Heroes," NBC. I am extremely faithful to this show, but I am not as sold on the premise as some people. The voice overs at the beginning and end are painfully overwrought, and every episode seems like a stunt. Plus, the tag lines don't make any sense (how did saving the cheerleader save the world? It saved the hottest girl on the show, but the world?). That is nitpicking though, the characters are cool, the big revelations make sense (unlike "Lost") and even the evil characters seem nuanced. The fact that this is a huge hit shows you that there is a big market out there for quality Sci-Fi.
10:00: "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," NBC. The only show I regularly watch, but don't like. In fact, I hate "Studio 60." Sure, everyone, especially bloggers, hates "Studio 60". But, with good reason. All of the characters are interchangeable, there is never internal conflict, only external pressure, it isn't funny and it is plotted soooooo slowly. I should watch an episode and write down every wasted, empty scene. The show is all filler, with a "cliffhanger" that no ones cares about and everyone expects. So why do I watch it? Well, it is a nice boost of confidence to see the creator and head writer of one of the best series ever, "The West Wing," reduced to this. We are all human, folks, and Sorkin is just proving that episode after episode.
11:00: "Daily Show"
11:30: "The Colbert Report" - Where I get my news, even if it isn't strictly on the networks.
12:00: ZZZZ. Actually I fall asleep during "Studio 60" most of the time, but I blame Aaron Sorkin.

Tuesday:
7:00-9:00: Same, the only difference is that you will be ignoring the most popular show in recent memory on Tuesdays, while most people will be ignoring Mondays.
9:00: "Veronica Mars" The CW. Like "Arrested Development," this show will probably go out well before vastly inferior shows of a similar type (all 15 varieties of "CSI", including the ones named "Cold Case" and "Without a Trace", for "Veronica" and "Two and a Half Men" for "A.D."). It hasn't been as good as the first season, but neither was "A.D." ("The Office", meanwhile, is best in season 2, though still going very strong in season 3). Kristen Bell is so cute that I find myself talking nonsense to the screen when she is on. "Oooh, Veronica, you're funny... and hot. So hot, right now." I was taken with her from the first time I saw her on "Deadwood" and she just rocks on "Veronica Mars", even if she is getting a little too flip at times (I mean seriously, Veronica, I just asked you if you loved me, don't give me some cutting joke or pop culture reference). The supporting cast is terrific too, though the CW is so poor that most of the cast only appears intermittently. It is distracting when Wallace will disappear for a month only to pop up like nothing happened. It is still a good-to-great show, even with all of that, and if it was on CBS it would probably be one of the most viewed show on TV, but then it would probably also be dumbed down for old people, morons and necrophiliacs, like everything else on CBS.
10:00: Nothing is on at this time. This is a good time to watch a movie or go to bed.

Wednesday:
7:00-8:00: Same old, same old.
8:00: "Beauty and the Geek". The Airheads of network TV. No nutritional value, but oh my is it delicious. The girls are so dumb, the guys are so clueless and the message is so heavy handed. This is the only reality show (non-MTV) that I watch, but it's a doozy. Honestly, I might falsify my resume, grew a patchy beard, profess to be a huge "Babylon 5" fan, and constantly reference the quantum mechanics and physics in an effort to fake my way onto the show. Here is a real quote from one of the guys on the show: "That would be like finding out that Brownian motion was inversely proportional to viscosity- unbelievable." One or two zingers like that and I would be in, baby! I think I would have a 90% shot of getting one of the girls, just by comparison to the gamma males I would be competing against.

9:00: Nothing really to watch, though you could try and sit through "The Knights of Prosperity" and "In Case of Emergency" on ABC, but I wouldn't recommend it. Both are proof that single camera shows can be just as formulaic and boring as the four camera shows. They might make you smile, but won't make you laugh.
10:00: Eventually "Lost," ABC will be back here, but for now, you might as well have gone to bed at 9:00. "Lost" is a case study in the law of diminishing returns as all of its "revelations" have become increasingly less interesting. The formula of focusing on one character's past per episode, while loosely mirroring that back story with the events on the island is my least favorite device on the show. It was one of the best parts of the show- such as Locke's back story involving his dad, which is one of the coldest things I have ever seen- but now it feels like avoiding dealing with the messy plot on the island. Still, it is great looking cast and they always plug in new hotties after they kill off minor characters. Plus, most of us are too invested to quit at this point, so we all eat it up the bullshit with a spoon.
11:00-12:00: "Daily Colbert Report Show", as usual.

Thursday: The best night of TV!
7:00-8:00: Same as usual, but get your dinner/blanket and pillow/remote ready because you don't want to miss much from 8:00-10:00 on NBC (of course there will be an 40 minutes of commercials in those two hours, so you will have time to run to the bathroom).
8:00: "My Name is Earl" is generally enjoyable, but not quite as funny as some people think. It makes me smile and I like the cast, but most of the jokes center around how stupid everyone is- which can be tiring after awhile. I think that Ethan Suplee as Randy is likable, but never funny. It will be surprisingly funny some weeks though, (the Cops episode last week was a scream) and it is a nice aperitif for the best show on TV.
8:30: "The Office"! This show is Barry Bonds on the juice- unbelievably good in its own time. It never has a bad episode, somehow manages to be emotionally demanding and yet extremely funny, and when it's really on, it absolutely blows away everything else on TV. I think "Arrested Development" was the cleverest (most clever?) show I have ever seen, but "The Office" trumps it for sheer laugh out loud funny moments and "A.D." never had the emotional core of the gang at Dunder Miflin. It is amazing to me that its ratings are still relatively mediocre, while "Grey's Anatomy" cleans up. I know that "Grey's" rakes in the females, but if all the girls watched the season finale last spring, I bet that Jim would convert some away from the contrived romances in the hospital. In short, if you don't watch "The Office", then go grab the DVDs and give it a shot. Season One is spotty, but if you finish watching that season and you aren't convinced... then go watch season two!
9:00: "Scrubs" isn't my absolute favorite show anymore, and one could make a pretty good case that it is past its prime. However, it stills brings the funny, and at this point they are in "I'm Keith Hernandez"phase, where they know they probably won't get picked up again and so they can do whatever they want. Case in point: last week's "Scrubs: The Musical," which, in conjunction with "The Wizard of Oz episode" and the homoerotic friendship between Turk and J.D., makes a pretty good case for "Scrubs" as the gayest comedy in prime time. I watched Zach Braff on Carson Daly the other night and while he was diplomatic, it seemed like he was leaning towards leaving the show even if it is picked up. He was also surprisingly awkward, much more like J.D. than his character in "Garden State".
9:30: "30 Rock" is a very solid comedy and as everyone points out, Alec Baldwin is amazing. Maybe I am in the minority, but I have always liked Tina Fey and she does good work here. Tracy Morgan plays just the sort of character he excels at (silly), and because the tone of the show is so wacky, it works. There is a minor reoccurring character on the show, played by Katie Bowden, who is Jessica Alba hot, which also helps.
10:00: All good things come to an end, and Thursday night on NBC bleeds into snooze fest "ER". I can't believe that show is still on the air, with much better ratings than "The Office" to boot.
11:00: "Colbert Daily Report Show", if you managed to make it through the boredom of the preceding hour.

Friday: Don't watch TV on a Friday night! Go out, get a little crazy, or at the very least, go watch a movie in the theaters.
Saturday: The worst night of TV of the week. The networks and cable have given up on this night, so should you. Go get drunk and ask random women if they lost weight (like I apparently did at the office Christmas party. I only found out about my misdeed today, a month later. In my defense, I was dared, and when I'm drunk, I'm like Marty McFly- don't call me chicken).
Sunday:* Supposedly a good night for TV, but I don't like any of these shows. Which is unfortunate, since I am usually nursing a hangover and regretting all the money I spent the past two nights, so I end up watching crap I don't like.

So there is it, what to watch on network TV, but if you have HBO, then you have access to drama that is better than anything on network TV. However, HBO has yet to do a great comedy ("Lucky Louie", "Arli$$"), which is why "The Office" is far and away the best show on network TV. It is the only show that is better than its equivalents on the pay channels, I mean let's face it, "Lost" isn't in the same league as "The Sopranos".''

* I don't watch "24", and though I generally don't say anything bad about in front of the million people a day who tell me how great it is, I think it sucks. Maybe I just can't believe that the growling midget is really the toughest guy on the planet, or maybe I don't like its politics (It is a case study in why torture is appropriate and when Jack Bauer is cutting people eyes out and shooting women to an audience of tens of millions, it is hard to get upset about Guantanamo Bay and water boarding), but my experience with "24" has been uniformly negative. I get bored by the constant "danger" with no real expectation that Jack will die and no investment in any of the other characters. Beyond the fact that "real time" makes the show in less authentic than most crap on TV, the show feels very contrived, even when Jack isn't getting from gun fight to knife fight faster than the speed of light. Even the supremely hot Elisha Cuthbert (The Girl Next Door was a four star sex appeal performance) can't make me watch this show.

More fun ways to ruin your credit

I am a recent college graduate and last summer I decided to go on a two month road trip before getting down to business. My first stop was to visit my aunt in upstate New York and for reasons beyond my control (car trouble) I ended up spending about 10 days sitting around watching TV there. I decided to break up the monotony by getting a new cell phone, since the one I had was purchased through my school and was about to expire. I wanted to get T-Mobile, because my entire family used T-Mobile, and I wanted to keep my number, so I wouldn't have to tell all of my friends a new number. Fortunately, Congress passed a national law that said you could "port" in your number to a new cell provider.

So, I went to the T-Mobile website to look for a T-Mobile Store near my aunt's house and one of the closest stores was at Wal-Mart. I decided to go to Wal-Mart because my aunt knew where it was, and I certainly didn't know my way around. So off to Wal-Mart I went and I picked out a phone I liked and bought it. While it was getting set up, I asked if I could port in my old number. The lady didn't know how to do it, so she called T-Mobile and was informed that it was relatively simple to do and I could do it at home. Satisfied, I bought the phone, went home and called T-Mobile.

This turned out to be something of a nightmare. My old service provider, Alltel, didn't acknowledge that the phone was in my name, because I had purchased it through the University. So I had to call the University and get them to call Alltel who then had to call T-Mobile. I would say conservatively that I spent ten hours on the phone trying to get my number ported in, as even after Alltel released the number, T-Mobile was struggling to assign the number to me. Finally, two days after I got the phone, a lady from T-Mobile informed me that I couldn't port my number because T-Mobile didn't have any towers in that area code. I immediately told the lady I was going to return the phone and cancel service, since I asked when I bought it if I could port in my number and was told then that I could. T-Mobile has a two-week money-back policy and so easy-breezy I returned the phone to Wal-Mart and got my money back.

That same day I got a Cingular phone and recently re-upped with Cingular for two more years.

Flash forward to last weekend, where I was home celebrating a late Christmas with my family. I wake up Friday morning and my mom informs me that I received a call from a creditor that morning and she had gotten a call back number. I call the agency back and lo and behold, I owe $360 to T-Mobile and they have now turned the account over to Amsher Collection Agency, and now they were calling my parents. When I signed up for T-Mobile, I used my parent's home number as my home number, since I couldn't very well use the only other number I had-- the cell number I wanted to port in. I more or less go ballistic on the phone ("I'm not paying anything, don't call my parents, don't fuck with my credit), but to be fair, collection agency's aren't known for their customer service, I had gotten the phone in late May of 2006, more than seven months earlier and this was a spectacularly bad piece of news to get at 8:30 in the morning.

After taking a few days to collect myself, I called T-Mobile and get some information. It turns out that the phone was never disconnected and I owe $200 for breach of contract, plus four months of service at $40 a month (the phone was turned off for lack of payment in October 2006). I told them what happened, but I was told to call the collection agency as T-Mobile no longer controls the account, however, they would extensively note the account so that the agency could refer to my call to T-Mobile.

So I called the agency and I was transferred to a supervisor, and again I relayed my story of misunderstanding. He said he would have to check with T-Mobile and he would get back to me, so I gave him my Cingular number and waited for him to call back.

An hour later he left me a voice mail (I was on the subway, so I didn't get the call) saying that I am libel for the phone, because I "returned it to Wal-Mart, which is the same as returning it to someone on the street. [I] should have returned the phone to the T-Mobile warehouse."

What the hell is the T-Mobile warehouse? Obviously, I was never told this by T-Mobile, in my extensive phone conversations with them, or Wal-mart, when I purchased or returned the phone. I was supposed to simply figure this out, and if I didn't figure this out, it would be a very costly mistake indeed.

I called Amshare back today and was informed that they would settle the account for $280 (the equivalent to seven months phone service) or they would refer my account to an attorney. I asked to speak to the supervisor I spoke with yesterday. I informed him that I couldn't possibly have known to return the phone to the T-Mobile Warehouse and that I only learned of its existence yesterday when he told me about it. He responded: "That's business."

I told him that I can not and will not pay $260 for a phone I only used for a week before returning it to where I bought it from. "Then you will be liable for the charges and we will get an attorney to get the money from you, including legal fees, which will come to more than $360."

I called T-Mobile and asked to speak with a supervisor and I was told that I would get a call from someone. I am currently waiting for that call, but obviously I am not optimistic. T-Mobile says that they have no control over the account once it goes to collections, and the collection agency has no incentive to let me off. In fact, their entire business is based around not letting people off. Collection agencies and car towing service both operate on the principle that no one can afford to do anything other than pay them. When push comes to shove, common sense and fairness never enters the picture because the consumer has no leverage. When a supervisor from T-Mobile calls me back and tells me that he can't do anything for me I will be faced with the choice between ruining my credit and probably being tried in absentia in some court that almost certainly won't be near where I live, or paying more than half what I owed in the original contract despite never receiving any of the services of the contract. I'll let you know what I choose.

UPDATE: I talked to Legal Aid and they advised me to negotiate with Amsher because T-Mobile has already sold the account to them and thus will not help me. Since Amsher tells me that they need a letter from T-Mobile in order to close the account and T-Mobile says they turned over the file to Amsher, I am pretty much screwed. I am filing a formal dispute with Amsher, which should keep me out of court and hopefully will get T-Mobile to do something.

If not, then I will just have to start writing a lot of letters. $280 isn't a huge amount of money, but it is more than I will pay for nothing.

The Greatest American

I am a little late to the party, but I thought I would point out a poll by AOL and the Discovery Channel from 2005 that asked: "Who is the greatest American?" I found this poll by looking at the Greatest Briton list, which I found because it was mentioned on his wikipedia page that Thomas Malthus wasn't on the list. Obviously, I have too much time on my hands, which I guess is why I have a blog. Now this list is an unscientific poll, but still (via Wikipedia):

1. Ronald Reagan - 24% of the First place votes
2. Abraham Lincoln - 23.5%
3. Martin Luther King, Jr. - 19.7%
4. George Washington - 17.7%
5. Benjamin Franklin - 14.9%
6. George W. Bush
7. Bill Clinton
8. Elvis Presley
9. Oprah Winfrey
10. Franklin D. Roosevelt
11. Billy Graham
12. Thomas Jefferson
13. Walt Disney
14. Albert Einstein
15. Thomas Alva Edison
16. John F. Kennedy
17. Bob Hope
18. Bill Gates
19. Eleanor Roosevelt
20. Lance Armstrong
21. Muhammad Ali
22. Rosa Parks
23. The Wright Brothers
24. Henry Ford
25. Neil Armstrong

1. Ronald Reagan as the greatest American of all time? Does anyone, literally, ANYONE, believe that to be true? Greater than George Washington, the first President, the General who more than anyone contributed to America even existing, the man who presided over the Congressional Congress, the man who refused to be king and stepped down after only two terms? Really? Not only that, but Washington comes in behind two others! Reagan meanwhile, is a mediocre actor and a President whose only significant accomplishment, the fall of the Soviet Union, came at the cost of years of nuclear paranoia and a huge national deficit. Plus, there was Iran-Contra, which, according to some, was only the tip of the iceberg of Reagan's crime in South America. I don't think it is even possible to make the case that Reagan was the greatest American ever, even if he did die the year before this poll.

2. Abraham Lincoln. I don't want to get into all of the specifics, but Abraham Lincoln is generally overrated. He failed to prevent the bloodiest war in U.S. history, issued the Emancipation Proclamation in 1963- three years into his administration and not primarily because he cared about the interest of the enslaved, rather he was trying to block Europe from entering the war- and he excercised near fascist state power during the war, including suspending the writ of habeas corpus and severely limiting both freedom of speech and press. I am not saying he wasn't one of the most important figures in U.S. history, merely that his role is badly misunderstood. History has turned him into "Honest Abe the slavery hating man", but the reality was far more complex. He belongs on the list, and I can understand why so many people like him, but I would put him down a few rungs.

3. MLK was by any standard a great American and I would put him over Lincoln or Reagan (I mean seriously, Reagan over MLK?), though I would still put Washington first.

4. George Washington, the greatest American ever. The only knock on him is he had slaves, which is significant. But slavery was legal then and I don't think you can dock him too many points by rejudging history in the light of present morality. Plus, he wouldn't sell slaves if it broke up slave families and he released slaves upon the death of his wife. Not enough absolve his involvement with the institution, but fairly admirable. He should be number one with a bullet.

5. Ben Franklin belongs on the list somewhere, but probably not this high. He did numerous important things, but never was president and didn't have that much of a prominent role in the revolution. Still a minor error, entirely overshadowed by:

6. George W. Bush in a ranking that is already strikingly anachronistic two years after the poll was taken. Bush would probably top a list of the 25 worst Americans today, but I suspect that some Conservative ballot stuffing got him and Reagan so high on this list.

7. Bill Clinton, God love the big guy, is not one the of the top ten Americans of all time. He is more like the modern Calvin Cooledge than a President of note. Sure, Bush makes him look really, really good, but his Administration was non-descript and the booming economy was not his doing. I imagine all the people who didn't vote for Bush put Slick Willy this high on the list.

8. Elvis Presley, um no. Beyond the questionable nature of putting entertainers on a list of the "greatest" people, I wonder how "great" an entertainer Elvis was. He was a bad actor and spent the last third of his career as the world highest paid night club singer. He didn't write most of his songs and stole his sound from African Americans. How can he be on the list, but Bob Dylan, Mark Twain and Ernest Hemmingway aren't? Answer: the average idiot has heard of Elvis, but the other three earn blank looks and indifferent shrugs from the masses.

9. Oprah... Wow. She is 13 places over Rosa Parks! She is infinity places over Jonas Salk, who only managed to develop the polio vaccine. Sure she does some charity work, but how can someone primarily known for having a day time talk show be among the ten greatest Americans of all time?

10. FDR. Overrated, but definitely one of the most important Americans. His untimely death saved us from the first psuedo monarchy in U.S. history and 22nd Amendment ensured that no one else will serve for longer than George Washington.

11. Billy Graham... Well at least it isn't L Ron Hubbard or the Morman Jesus (he came over here and became an American). More ballot stuffing by Conservatives.

12. Thomas Jefferson, had some characters issues but I think he should be in the top five for sure. It is cultural revisionism to paint him as a racial monster according to our current values. The Declaration of Independence is best piece of writing in U.S. history, and then we have the Louisianna Purchase, the "Revolution of 1800" that demonstrated peaceful political transition, the Lewis and Clark expedition that he authorized and on and on.

13. Walt Disney? Geez, are people just voting for the names they recognize? Henry Ford was a better industrialist and there are many movie people who are more influential. The Disney corporation's continual strengthening of intellectual property law (to protect 1928's "Steamboat Willy" and thus Mickey Mouse) is a major problem for artistic freedom. Nothing would pass into the public domain, ever, if Disney had its way.

14. Albert Einstein - First he should be way higher on this list and second he shouldnt be on it at all. He was only a citizen of this country for 15 of his 76 years and he retained his Swiss citizenship until his death. At least he was a legitamately great man.

15. Thomas Edison - This is about where Ben Franklin belongs. Both were great men, though not inner circle Greatest Americans.

16. John F. Kennedy was one of the worst Presidents of all time. He was hopelessly out of his league in Cuba and almost caused the end of the world with his leadership during the missile crisis (how come no one mentions that we had missiles in Turkey that convinced the USSR to put missiles in Cuba? It should be the Cuban-Turkey Missile Crisis, since the missles were only removed from Cuba when we agreed to remove our missiles from Turkey). If a little Texas redneck (or a vast conspiracy) hadn't ended his Precidency prematurally, then who knows how bad things he would have mucked up foreign policy. He was good looking however, and a lot of baby boomers identify him with the idealism of youth. Never mind that his dad was a bootlegger and he was elected President under false pretenses (read: mob related). Not a great American.

17. Bob Hope, I don't know if he was particularly significant in an artistic, political or social way. He did perform a lot of USO shows, and I guess that makes him the 17th greatest American ever (despite being born in England).

18. Bill Gates went from being a hated, cut throat capitalist to one of the greatest philanthropists in history in only a short few years. I have high hopes for what he is going to do with all of Warren Buffet's money and I can admire an American success story. Bill was smart and went from not much, to more than anyone else.

19. Eleanor Roosevelt did some good things, but how could she possibly be on this list when Clara Barton, the founder of the Red Cross, isn't? Another example of people voting for the names they have heard of.

20. Lance Armstrong is pretty amazing and this list was from before he started partying with Matthew McConaughey all the time. Still, I don't see what makes him better than Michael Jordan or Tiger Woods, not to mention Jackie Robinson (!) or...

21. Muhammad Ali is, to my thinking, far and away the most significant American Athlete this side of Jackie Robinson (whose exclusion from this list is criminal). He sat out the draft, joined the nation of Islam, aggressively self-promoted (now the norm), fought in Africa and generally refused to be quiet. The model that every loud mouth super-star tries to live up to, and no one has come close.

22. Rosa Parks wasn't the first person to sit in the white section of the bus and the popular story of the woman who refused to get up after a long day at work is fiction, still, hers was the most significant act of civil disobedence in this country since the Boston Tea Party. Hard to argue with those credentials.

23. Wright Brothers are certainly worthy.

24. Henry Ford personifies the American Industrial ideal (now exported to the country with the worst paid workers). I would put him a lot higher on the list.

25. Neil Armstrong was just the monkey in a space suit prancing around a moon set in Los Angeles. At least that is what I read in Cracked magazine.

To summarize: 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 13, 16, 17, 19 and 20 don't belong on the list at all and 1, 2 and 5 were overrated. I propose we substitute James Madison (who wasn't even nominated, though Tom Cruise was...), Bob Dylan (not nominated, though Arnold Swartzenegger was), Mark Twain, Jonas Salk, Michael Jordan, Ernest Hemmingway, Andrew Jackson (controversial, but undoubtably one of the most important presidents), Susan B Anthony (where are the women on this list?), John Marshall (not nominated, though Donald Trump was), Jackie Robinson and Theodore Roosevelt.

If we can take solace in anything, it is that we are not the only country with no clue who was important. On the list of the 100 Greatest Britons, Princess Di is 3rd, ahead of William Shakespeare. Evidently being the prettiest Royal trumps being the greatest writer of the English language, EVER. Sigh.

You like reading blogs? Fag!

The Netflix DVD has been kicking around my house for almost a week, but last night I finally got a chance to see Mike Judge's Idiocracy. It has many problems (technical, scene execution, repetition, third act), but its premise is gold and it isn't so much irreverent as genuinely disrespectful. From what I understand, copyrights do not proclude spoofing and so Judge wouldn't necessarily need permission from Carl's Jr., Fuddruckers or Starbucks to imagine a world where Carl's Jr. drugs patrons and confiscates children, Fuddruckers has become Buttfuckers and Starbucks doles out "full release" lattes (read: blowjobs). The movie is harrowing look at a world where corporate concerns trump real problems (a Gatorade like product is being used to water the crops, but the nation riots when switching to water damages the stock price in brilliant satire of the economy versus the environment debates of today) and the average person considers thinking or reading "Faggy".

The movie feels like you could watch it five or six times and still find cultural references and delirious stupidity. The opening alone is the funniest thing this side of the naked fight in Borat. It is ironic that the creator of "Beavis and Butthead" now bemoans a society where the top rated show is "Ow, my Balls" and the Best Picture (and Best Screenplay) winner is "Ass" (and that is what it is). At least "Beavis and Butthead" wasn't impervious to analysis like the idiotic, calculated "reality" that populates TV today.

I have always like Luke Wilson and I think he does a fine job here. I agree with Dennis, at Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule, that Dax Shepard as Frito steals the show. I had always just thought of him as "that guy from 'Punk'D'" (his work in Lets Go to Prison and Employee of the Month didn't help), but coaxed genuine empathy, not to mention belly laughs, from what was essentially a one note song (clue: Frito isn't smart). The scene where Frito acts as Luke Wilson's lawyer in a courtroom that was part day time TV and part Melee at the Palace was one of my favorites in the movie. Another surprise was how good and even, dare I say it, hot Maya Rudolph was. I find Saturday Night Live completely unwatchable and have never considered her even remotely attractive, but she definitely did it for me here as the completely average hooker who is mostly concerned with avoiding trouble from Upgraydd, her pimp. I recently watched Terry Crews in an embarassing turn in White Chicks (he seemed to be playing "scary miscegenating black man"), but he rallied nicely here. All in all, a nice job from the cast on a script that is definitely pretty flat and flabby (how about that slightly oxymoronic combo) at times.

Fox sabotaged this movie from the get go, only releasing it in six cities (not including New York), before pulling it and releasing it on DVD. Moreover, they reshot the movie after Judge finished, refused to let it be prescreened, slashed the budget (which shows up in the special effects), denied requests by festivals to show the movie after release, and reportedly never finished a trailer for the movie! This year Fox released gems like Date Movie and John Tucker Must Die to seemingly endless ad campaigns, but they didn't even bother to make a trailer in case they wanted to advertise this movie to the public. Perhaps Fox had a problem with a movie that showed the future Fox News as a shirtless guy and a cleavage baring bimbo as co-anchors. Supposedly, there was some sort of fight with Mike Judge and Fox only released the movie at all because it was contractually obligated to. Will the evil of Newscorp never end? First the Dodgers, then the news, now Idiocracy!

So, rent this movie you won't be disappointed. Sure, it has the same third act problems that plagued Office Space, where the ending is a little too neat, not to mention the implications* raised in the third act of either movie, but it is damn funny throughout and even with everything I mentioned there are a million laugh out loud funny quotes I missed.

*Ok, fine, I will mention that it is absurd to think that construction work is substantively better than working in an office. I mean seriously, have you ever worked construction Mike Judge? It sucks. It is hard, you wake up early, your body hurts, the pay isn't good, there is little to no recognition of your accomplishments and bosses are often far more openly abusive than the passive aggressive pussies talking down to you in your cubicle. But, Office Space points out that at least you get to be outside... Idiocracy, meanwhile, concludes that dumb people are doomed unless the smart people save them from themselves, and even then the dumb people will just sit on the sidelines having tons of kids and killing themselves.

Remix to Ignition

So, it ended up taking me two days to come back (and I bet this is my last post until Monday at least, because I am going home for the weekend). What can I say? My computer at home is broke, so not only do I occasionally post at work, I exclusively post at work. Thus, if work gets in the way of wasting time on blogger, I don't end up wasting any time (on blogger anyway).

Without further whining and excuses, here is more songs I really like (unfortunately some of these aren't links to the full song, maybe you are better at finding them than me):

Talking Heads - This Must Be the Place - One of my favorite closing credits songs of all time- it is one of my favorite songs of all time anyway, and it happens to be in the credits for Wall Street- even if it doesn't really carry the mood at the end of the movie.

I love this song pretty irrationally, I can't really describe why it is one of my favorites. I just love it. I love that it goes on for more than a minute before the lyrics start. I love that while I can't entirely decipher the lyrics, I can sing along with the whole song. I love the high points: "And you're standing here beside me, I note the passing of time". I love the little keyboard "duh duh dunt" in between lines. It is a song that both describes nostalgia and makes me nostalgic. I feel safe saying that this song wouldn't be made today and certainly wouldn't be a hit if it was. The 80s were often horrible (see: the CIA and South America), but they were doing crazy, off the wall things musically. A lot of which was terrible, but some was incredible, especially the Talking Heads and this song. (Another thing that couldn't happen today: this dirt cheap artsy video for the song)

Johnny Cash - Cocaine Blues - Another song prominently featured in a movie, Joaquin Phoenix does a solid job with it in Walk the Line, but you have to hear the man himself do it. Johnny was a bad, bad man who loved to sing about killing people (at least I think he did, otherwise why do it so often?). This strumming pattern is like a fist banging the words home and this one features him at his most extreme: "Early one morning, while making the rounds, I took a shot of cocaine and shot my woman down. I went right home and I went to bed, I stuck that loving 44 beneath my head." God damn, hide the guns Johnny makes it sound so cool I want to go on a coke and murder bender right now.

Lady Sovereign - Hoodie - Silly, stupid lyrics. But I love the drums and I am a sucker for clapping in songs. I know, I know, idiotic... but catchy.

The Mystery Jets - Diamonds in the Dark - Both this and "You Can't Fool Me Dennis" feature idiotic lyrics: "You can do anything you want, as long as it makes sense." What? Yet, I sing along because it is the kind of idiotic that goes down easy.

The Pink Spiders - Modern Swinger - "My baby's pretty as car crash, sex as the stinger of a hornet in your arm, just another modern swinger". Those lyrics over a pulsating bass line that turns into delicious pop punk ear candy...

Ryan Adams - Oh My Sweet Carolina - Heartbreaker is the best country rock album of all time for my (limited) money. It is tough to follow up and unfortunately Mr. Adams hasn't. Still we have amazing vocal performances like his warbling ode to Carolina, either the state (he's from Charleston I think) or some chick by the same name. "Come Pick Me Up" is an amazing song too.

Wilco - Jesus, ect. - I already mentioned that I like the way "Jesus" sounds. Geez-Us. Wilco has the best body of work every to be grouped under the genre "country rock". My freshman year of college Wilco came to campus to play a free show, and I didn't go. I can't even blame the booze- though I was fucked up- I just didn't know who they were. I was pissed because they didn't get someone I knew about. "Wilco... screw that indie bullshit, can we get some rap or what?" Weep not for the youth, my friends.

Josh Ritter - Kathleen - He rounds out my country rock trifecta. I am seeing some online props for Josh Ritter's latest album, and deservedly so. However, for my money I like Hello Starling. It is a little rawer, more truthful but still retains his lyrical talents. This song features the line I most want to say to a girl, but never will: "All the other girls here are stars, you're the northern lights."

Sufjan Stevens - Romulus - Sufjan is the man! Sure his albums are full of stuff that I don't give a crap about, but the high points are worth the fluff. Illinois features two of my favorite songs, but this is a high point off of "Michigan".

The Unicorns - The Clap - Maybe my fifth favorite song from the album but it was the one I could find online. The Unicorns just wanted to have fun and their album was often silly, but always a blast to listen to.

Teddybears - Punkrocker - Iggy Pop absolutely owns these lyrics. This song is featured in a Cadillac commercial, and Iggy's growl probably sold a lot of cars.

Cursive - The Recluse - How come people don't make rock operas anymore? Cursive's The Ugly Organ is a pretty solid example of a rock opera/concept album. Pretty lonely lyrics, but the song keeps it upbeat.
" I wake alone
in a woman's room I hardly know.
I wake alone
and pretend that I am finally home."

Antony and the Johnsons - Hope There's Someone - Sure Antony kind of sounds like a drag singer, but that is the point. I like all the songs about "breast amputation" too, but this one is a nice introduction to the wonderful world of big transsexual music.

My Morning Jacket - It Beats For You - The guys at hearya.com think that MMJ is pretty much the best thing going. I don't know if I am quite there, but I definitely agree it is a special band. Their sound sticks with you, especially the eery echo on the vocals because Z was recorded in a silo with mics on the top and the bottom. The drums are pared down to a top hat and a snare and the rhythm drives the song from start to finish. Great opening line: " Who could see and not believe? The heart that beats the wavelength."

And of course, I love Steely Dan - My Old School.

Sorry things got a little rushed, but I gotta run to the airport. Have a happy MLK day!

Remix

Everyone is making end of the year lists, and I feel left out. At the same time, between partying, graduating, moving and generally being broke I didn't consume nearly enough to make a good list of stuff from this year. So I am going to give you a playlist instead. Sure, some of these songs are from this year, but most are just kick ass oldies (meaning last year). I can't figure out how to post the songs, so I will just link to where you can listen to them.

Interpol - Stella Was A Diver and She Was Always Down - In Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs, Chuck Klosterman talks about the dichotomy between weed people and coke people. Sure, many people (including Chuck) do both on occasion, but everyone (save those poor non-partakers) has a preference. Chuck says that weed-heads enjoy sitting around and having intellectual conversations, while coke heads "chase the members of Interpol around New York City". Well, sign me up for two rails of nose candy then, because who needs to talk when you can listen to songs like this?

Arcade Fire - Neighborhood #2 (Laika) - This is my favorite song from one of the best albums of the past few years. The simple drum beat drive the song and the lyrics chant along with them, though unlike Destroyer the lyrics are intelligible and evocative. "When Daddy comes home you always start a fight, so the neighbors can dance in the police disco lights."

The Decemberists - Yankee Bayonet - I've already mentioned that I love this album, and I today this is my favorite song. What can I say? I love male-female duets, Bob and Joan and Carly and James and now this.

Sigur Ros - Svefn-G-Englar - If you heard about a ten minute song, entirely in Icelandic, consisting of electronic music and shrieking vocals, tell me you wouldn't get excited? Sigur Ros's second album Ágætis Byrjun (literally "Good Start") is absolutely gorgeous and I couldn't decide whether to include this song or Starálfur, but went with this one because it has no relations to Tom Cruise (Starálfur was featured prominently in Vanilla Sky).

The Killers - When You Were Young - The Killers first album was the musical equivalent of a bag of potato chips. Delicious (especially when you are a little out of it), but unfulfilling. Sure it was easy to listen to, but did it have to be so stupid? "I got soul, but I'm not a soul-ja" Well, their follow up broke new ground, for them anyway. They went arena rock and the big change was now they weren't easy to listen to and stupid. However, in the midst of hugely successful mediocrity (is their any other kind of huge success?) they did produce one great single, which begs the question: Why don't people use Jesus as a reference point in pop songs more often? Sure, pop songs might talk about praying or getting comfort from our sweet lord, but as a comparison to whoever we are dating? That is rare. Plus, Jesus is just one of those words that sounds good (like Fuck or multi-syllable rhymes). It has a nice two syllable punch, Geez (which you spit)-Us (which is a rising tone that can be exaggerated for added effect).

Alright, work got in the way of freetime at work today, so I will finish my list tomorrow. I know that is only five songs, but two of them are longer than seven minutes, so in total this has a longer run time than your average Weezer album.

Stevie baby

It has been a little while since I posted. Mostly that is because I went to Louisville for New Years, but also I have been playing Motherload, which is probably the best flash game since Insaniqarium.

Continuing my long history of only catching things well after they are hip, I finally got around to watching Stevie. I don't watch a lot of documentaries, but filmfreakcentral.com wrote that they loved it and so I pushed some buttons on netflix and like magic it came. How rarely is so little effort so richly rewarded.

One of the most popular modes of criticism today is to find a contextual theme to generalize the movie. V for Vendetta is about the war on terror and X-Men: The Last Stand is about the gay gene. Stevie defies such easy packaging, sure it is about things, but to say that it is about the failures of society that ultimately produce criminals is to ignore most of the movie. As meta-fiction that could function simply as a discussion of the responsibilities of documentarians to their subjects. Or it could be a demonstration of personal responsibility and empathy, even for those who have done very bad things. It is far more than that, and even at more than 2 hour long it delivered the goods so often that I was left reeling.

Stevie manages to get you to empathize someone who has done something loathsome and then continually demonstrates that behavior was not an aberration. The basic premise is that documentarian Steve James (director of one the best sports movie ever, Hoop Dreams) goes back to rural Southern Illinois after 11 years to visit Stevie, who he mentored in the Big Brother Advocate program. However, after his initial visit he returns two years later to discover that in his absence Stevie has graduated from petty crimes to sexual molesting his 8 year old niece. When he returns, Stevie is in jail after writing out a confession, but shortly after he is released on a Miranda ruling that suppresses his confession.

At this point, James returns and follows Stevie and interviews the principle characters in his life, his abusive mother, who ultimately abandoned him; his girlfriend, who suffers from a nerve condition; his step-grandmother, who took care of him, but feuds with his mother, his unabused sister and even the sister whose daughter he molested. Stevie's life is features countless instances of neglect, both physical and sexual abuse and abandonment. His mother gave him up to the state, the good foster parents left him to the sexually predatory ones and even Steve James left and moved to Chicago to pursue a film career. Even though Stevie commits the crime, we become more and more aware that the movie is about Steve Jame, not Stevie. There were precious few people who could have made a difference in Stevie's life, and James's decision to move to Chicago clearly did not have a positive effect on Stevie. The movie is rife with conversations that discuss something general while revealing something specific, and when Stevie's one time foster mother wonders: "Sometimes I wish we didn't have to be human" it is a telling look at James's own guilt.

James is careful not to judge Stevie, but many of the other subjects do. When a member of the Aryan nation talks about how "if it was my daughter you wouldn't live to see trial" and James can not muster a coherent reason why Stevie should be protected in prison, I was forced to wonder what did Stevie deserve? James's wife, a therapist who treats sex abusers, confronts Stevie very directly. After James's own silence on the subject, it is shocking contrast to see her say: "I know you did it and you know you did it. That doesn't mean I don't care about you, that I don't want to help you."
There is no moral equivocation; she deals with people like Stevie on a daily basis and while he may be a product of his environment, he still did something unspeakable.

Stevie's girlfriend, Tonya, initially appears to be mentally handicapped and I felt that she was just a very disadvantaged person settling for what she could get. But as the movie wears on, her love and patience shines through and I understood the depths of her love for the very broken Stevie. However, even she can not hide that she suspects Stevie is guilty even in absence of DNA evidence when discussing the case with her best friend, who is even more severely disabled. Her friend was a victim herself and her discussion of the subject, with Stevie in the room, is by far the best part of the movie. "That's why I'm not married, that's why I don't have children. I love them, I want them. But I can't trust a man." Stevie looks at her, the abuser and the abused, personifying both her pain and inflicting it.

Every time Stevie makes progress, he immediately does something wrong. In a visit to Chicago (to a club I have visited no less) he gets drunk and becomes unhinged. James narrates how betrayed and angry he felt, and it reflected my own disappointment. I wanted redemption, and there are scenes of reconciliation and hope, but Stevie can not be simply cured and all we are left with is a glimmer of hope in his renewed relationship with his mother, James and the one or two other positive people in his life. I highly recommend this movie to everyone and anyone.

300, and then some.

300 Movie Trailer (I removed the imbedded video because it was fucking with the formatting)

I am cautiously optimistic about this movie. Well, more than that, I am both geeked up and very worried. The last comic book movie I had high hopes for was V for Vendetta, and while pretty much everyone else loved it, I had trouble getting past my affection for its source material. Fortunately, this is movie is sourced from something by Frank Miller, not Alan Moore, and Frank Miller's most famous work was already faithfully adapted for the big screen. Slightly off topic, but Alan Moore has disowned the film versions of all of his books (which he doesn't own the rights to), even refusing to take, what I imagine are, extremely lucrative amounts of money on principle so he won't have his name on them. Considering how bad Constantine, From Hell and LXG were, I can see why he doesn't want to be associated with them, even though I probably wouldn't have had the willpower to resist the cash.

So anyway, 300 isn't much of a graphic novel, I mean that quantitatively not qualitatively. It is only 88 pages and it features mostly splash pages and narration, instead of panels and word balloons. That said, it is an excellent telling of perhaps the most heroic battle of all time. A friend of mine said that Thermopylae was the battle he most wanted to see adapted into a film and I can see why. This is a book of surpassing brutality and a celebration of the sort of masculinity that makes William Munny or Marv look tame by comparison. The Spartans in 300 are fucking and fighting machines,that live and die for honor and glory. Not to spoil too much of the story, but the King of Sparta starts an unwinable war because he won't bow a knee to the God-King of Persia and then he has the audacity to win anyway. So sex, violence and speeches about honor and glory? Sounds like a Hollywood winner to me.

So why the worry? Well, for one this movie could easily become cheesy and gratuitous, in fact it will be very difficult for it not to be. The Illiad seemed impossible to mess up, and yet we had Troy. The preview for the movie features a heavy rock song and editing that is very reminiscent of the Matrix, which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but only a few movies have pulled that look and sound off, even most of the Matrix Trilogy didn't manage it. Also, there is a speech in the book, about dying for an age of freedom, that worked on the page, but I wonder if it will turn jingoistic and flat on screen. I am always skeptical of speeches that try to make the exotic palatable for our modern, Western sensibilities. Most of us can't understand dying for pride, but we all have to hear about dying for freedom. But I am getting ahead of myself because I haven't seen the movie yet. I also haven't seen anything by the director, Zack Snyder, though filmfreakcentral.com loved his remake of Dawn of the Dead. Coincidentally, his next movie is Watchmen, only the most celebrated comic of all time and the magnum opusa of forementioned malcontent, Alan Moore. I do like that the cast of 300 does not feature any big stars and the movie is coming out in March, not June, so it doesn't have Blockbuster bona fides AKA licence to dumb it down for kids and people who see two movies a year.

In short, I will be there opening day and this one has home run written all over it, but don't be surprised if there is just a violent swing before the ball ends up in the catcher's mitt.

Kramer's everywhere rejoyce

Well modern medicine manufacture miracles all the time, but to cure the jimmy leg? I was watching tv last night and noticed this hilarious commercial for REQUIP, which treats "moderate to severe restless leg syndrome." I was watching a show that I never watch ("Two and a Half Men", what? I was bored) and so I thought that it might be a joke commercial, but it just wasn't funny enough. Though I did laugh when I heard that REQUIP may cause you to fall asleep while driving, which seems to be much worse than the symptoms associated with "restless leg syndrome". Since REQUIP is also- primarily, I would imagine -used to treat Parkinson's I guess this is just a cross promotional opportunity and I can just see the pharmaceutical executives sitting around making up a disease to try and get some more bang out of REQUIP.

Far be it from me to mock those who are suffering, but I wonder how people in the Great Depression would have felt about restless leg syndrome.

"Oh, you have an uncontrollable urge to move your legs? Good, go move your legs over to the woods and gather some fire wood so we can heat up our dirt soup."

Sweet things from Montana, so young and willing

So Donald Trump, the male equivalent of Paris Hilton in that his worth is both imaginary and derived by his questionable epitomizion of the stereotypical male role (supposedly his finances are not as rock solid as he asserts they are every time he pulls out Trump Checkbook, Trump Wallet or Trump Bankruptcy), has decided not to fire Miss USA. Donald is one of the most unlikable people on the planet, so I will go so far as to agree with Rosie O'Donnell, how is he "the moral compass for 20-year-olds in America[?]"

That is all besides the point though, the real story is that Tara Conner, Miss USA, was almost fired for drinking, sneaking guys into her shared Trump apartment, testing positive for cocaine (hey, we have all been there) and making out with Miss Teen USA in public!!! So, she went from being someone I have no interest in, to my dream girl. Unfortunately, the party is over because she is (wait for it...) checking into rehab.

By the way, there has to be something that checking into rehab won't get you out of.

"Officher, I-I-I-m shorry, I-I-I wahsh driv-v-vin-g tuh rehab."

"Yeah, I killed her, but I checked into rehab right afterwards."

"Honey, It was just a hooker, and I'm checking into rehab."

Well anyway, enjoy your break Tara, you deserve it. I would give my first born to have been at the party where Tara made out with Katie Blair, who is exponentially hotter than her senior counterpart. Honestly, this story is so hot that I don't even need the pictures (and there must be some out there somewhere), just hearing it makes me go lightheaded.

Before: Aw... Poor thing doesn't even look hot.
After: All better now. Yah Donald!

They're bring Sexy Back

I was in despair last week because I had forgotten to watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, which generally is the best showcase of gorgeous women this side of- well, the Victoria's Secret Catalogue. Fortunately, they reran it last night and I blocked out some time to be a creepy voyeur.

To my surprise, the show was disquieting and decidedly un-sexy. I struggled to figure out the common theme among all the things I hated about the show, but the theme of the show was "What it is like to be a Victoria's Secret model" and that theme is resistant to deep thought. However, I do have some observations.

It is remarkable how gay the event is. It is like an incredibly expensive drag show. Everything is either campy or glam, but either way it is over the top and fabulous. The girls are wear big hair, glitter, diamonds and campy costumes. The music consisted of Justin Timberlake, electronic remixes of pop songs and a huge choir. The last drag show I saw was less of a parody than this.

The show strives to fulfil fetishes, especially kid fetishes. The themes of various "acts" were angels, stewardesses, Scotland (think leather and buckles) and most bizarrely, growing up (over a carnival remix of Kelis's "I'm Bossy", though the song before that was the more appropriate, "When You Were Young"). They had models dressed only in bras and panties walking down the runway in in garish colors dragging a pink comforter, carrying pom-poms or graduating. The idea was to sell the Pink Line, which markets to undergrads, but the conjunction of child imagery and sexuality is um... disturbing.

In even worse taste is the state of the models. Besides the few models I recognized (Adriana, Gisele, Alessandra, Ana and Karolina... ok so I recognized a lot of them, but there were 27 models total so I am only 18.5% a loser) the models began to look like anorexic adolescents or freakishly elongated aliens. The look for runway models is 90% leg and abs, with a big smile and bigger hair as the cheery on top (like I said, drag show). The problem is that most of the girls are stick figures wobbling on chicken legs and emaciated frames and the big hair can't hide pre-teen faces. Is it too much to ask for models that don't look like high school freshman who just spent some serious time on the rack?

The show pretends that it is about anything but dudes looking at girls they will never attain. So to fit their loose "We are regular people, see how we live" theme, they jam the show full of gimmicks like interviews with the models and a hidden camera (if they would have taken the camera into the bathroom then they would have hit three of the four "unacceptable" perversions: bondage, kids and water sports, leaving out bestiality). So instead of just watching hot models, we were forced to sit through grainy bouncy footage of nothing. Literally, nothing. The camera never focused on anything of interest and the shot of "What it is like to walk down the runway" became grainy blown out lights bouncing with the model's strut. The interviews were full of annoying "Idiot says something uninteresting and then laughs in pretend embarrassment" moments. Adriana Lima, one of the hottest women in the world for my money, destroyed the illusion by opening her mouth and being vapid and self important. What was I expecting, right? Since she recently reported that she was a virgin, I guess she is from the Paris Hilton school of public relations. Which is to say, lie because no one can prove different.

On the music front we have an interlude from J.T. Justin Timberlake has emerged as the clear winner from his break up with Britney Spears. He has reached a point where a guy could conceivably like him and not get made fun of. That said, why have him in the show? To rope in the women (who would presumably be the target audience for a company that exclusively sells women's clothing) that otherwise have nothing to see in the field of starving T & A? Justin clearly can dance, but why dance like that? It is all pointless jerky motions that look like a million variations on the robot; it is highly skilled cheerleading instead of real dancing. Also, did he write (or whoever wrote it, Timbaland probably) "Sexy Back" specifically for the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show? It is a little too neat of a fit.

The "climax" of the show was the final string of models in diamond bras came out to a winter theme over a huge choir singing in the background. Someone put together the obvious metaphor of diamonds and ice, since they needed some way to showcase the absurdity of a multi-million dollar bra. The best thing was the choir singing "Just a little more love, just a little more peace, is all we need." Say what? A song about peace while diamonds of all things are paraded up and down the runway. Diamonds are worth far less than they cost, since their value is neither intrinsic or rare. De Beers suppresses small diamonds (1.3 billion dollars in present day worth withheld from the market in 1981) to keep the price of a relatively common rock high. That diamonds (with can be produced with superior quality in a lab, though diamonds that are made are considered "fake". What a metaphor for a Nip/Tuck industry) were juxtaposed against millionaire women whose value is derived from talents that are inflated by a similarly bankrupt system was too much for me to bear. So I ended up watching sports instead. Eat a sandwich and I will see you next year girls.

Dude, Si.com writers are pricks. (with obvious exceptions)

SI.com recently reported that an Asian Games silver medal winner had her medals stripped from her because she failed a gender test. However, unlike Helen Stephens, Shanti Sounderajan was not a "cheater". Stephens won the gold medal in the women's 100 Meter dash in 1936, setting a new world record in the process. She was accused of being a man, but the charge was denied. However, in 1980 she was killed in a robbery and it was discovered that she had male genitalia, despite living as a woman all of her life (my favorite professor in college recently wrote a screenplay about Stephens's life). Instead, Sounderajan is physically and mentally female, but genetically a little too "male" because she had a hidden "Y" chromosome.

Understand, this is a 25 year old woman who trained very hard and due to something completely beyond her control she is now losing her medal and further probably will never be able to have children. Beyond the fact that "gender" is very contentiously defined, everyone in professional sports are "genetic freaks" in one way or another. If indeed this genetic accident did give her some marginal advantage, how different is that from the fact that most of the NBA is in the top .001% of the population for height? Every woman competing in the 800 meters at that level is in the top 1% of the population in fast-twitch-slow-twitch muscle ratio and lung capacity.

Imagine if you had trained for years to be among the best at a very competitive field and in order to clear your name of completely ridiculous allegations, as she must have assumed they were, you submitted to a voluntary test. Only to fail the test due to no fault of your own, in the process losing your coveted job forever and to top it off, you become the punch line to thousands of jokes around the world. Including at SI.com, where the title of the article is "Dude looks like a lady." If you lost your career and your prospects of having a family, at least you wouldn't have to do it while enduring international attention and derision from idiots. If this had happened in America then gay rights groups would indubitably be up in arms both about Si.com's insensitivity and the unfairness of taking away her medal. In my academic writing experience, when referring to a transsexual person the chosen gender pronoun is supposed to be used. This is one of the most depressing stories I have heard this year and I wish Shanti all the best in the future and in her appeal.

Update: I notice that article is an AP article, so it is possible that the title is also AP. In which case SI.com is just the monkey throwing the shit around as opposed to the one creating it.

As an artist, a person has no home save in Paris.

Paris Hilton is the most important pop figure of our age. I don't like her at all, but there it is, she's the modern version of Bob Dylan (following up on the post from yesterday, I found a place where you can listen to all of Dylan's XM shows online). Dylan always tried to dodge the "voice of a generation" label he got stuck with, fortunately for Miss Hilton no one has tried to brand her anything like that, until now anyway.

Pop culture is important- not intrinsically, but it is important because so many people think it's important. I don't subscribe to US Weekly or watch Ryan Seacrest on E! (though I do watch "the Soup" sometimes), but I could tell you with a fair amount of accuracy who is dating who and who is hating who. Why? Because I pass the couple of minutes in the grocery aisle finding out. The lives and lifestyles of the rich and famous are worthless in every way, except in that they help waste the time until death for masses of people who have already put their lives on cruise control. It is hypocritical to pretend I am better, since I am huge sports fan, and that is just the other mostly gender specific way throw away time.

Among all the dimwitted good looking people that the magazines stalk, Paris Hilton is the most important, not because of what he is, but what she isn't. She manages to be among the most famous people in the world without being particularly talented or even very good looking. If you listed her talents they would amount to: being blonde, tan and skinny. Her other charms include being rich, wearing skimpy clothing (sans underwear on occasions that serve as cautionary STD tales for adolescent boys), always posing (she always assumes some striking or smoldering look for the camera) and being extremely famous. Famous for what exactly? Well, she is rich and was well known in the Hollywood set for years, but only became truly famous when she starred in a sex tape. Since then she has been in a reality show, which was a product of her fame, not the source of it, two supporting parts in movies and produced a book and a CD (both of which were eviscerated by critics before they even came out). But, Paris is most famous for frequent minor "scandals" involving herself or other celebrities, the most famous of which are the sex tape and her rift with rail thin druggie, Nicole Ritchie. That Brittney Spears (oh how the mighty have fallen) was hanging with Paris when she showed us where her kids came from 3 (count em, 3) times (Paris only pulled that trick once... no twice...) is no surprise. That is Paris Hilton's stock in trade, the manufacture of shameless fame by shameful behavior.

Understand, I am not moralizing. I don't care, further I don't even think anything is wrong with Miss Hilton sleeping with hundreds of thousands of people, animals, plants or inanimate object, nightly doing exotic and dangerous drugs so extreme I don't even get to know about them, ceasing to wear clothes altogether and starting to speak in some combination of the language from A Clockwork Orange and valley girl. In fact, if all of those things happened, my opinion of Paris Hilton would probably become much more positive, at least that would be interesting. People shouldn't be famous for having night vision sex tapes, showing their 500 bad miles of vagina, losing their cell phone with "famous phone numbers" in it, feuding with their drug-addict, anorexic BFF or any of the other shit that Paris does on a regular basis. She has turned being a ditsy coke-whore princess into a multi-million dollar business, and as a human being I feel slighted that someone would be given so much for so little.

But her general negative contribution to the world that lavishes her with success is why Paris is the key figure of our age. We live in a post-modern world where most people (myself especially) lead lives that are insular and small. There is so much "noise" that it is difficult for any book, movie or song to rise above it all and gain acclaim and no one has time to consider all of the "important" or "good" things coming out in a year. So what we are left with is the lowest and least important people become the most looked to and sought after. The most important aspects of culture to the average man and woman are sports and pop culture respectively. So ours is a culture that has rejected culture. In world where sports figures, actors and rappers are our demi-gods, pure fluff like Paris Hilton is elevated to the status once reserved for people who had, you know, done something. So enjoy all the good things that lady luck throws up on you Paris, by being the least deserving, you've earned it.

I'm wondering where in the world my lunch might be

Now maybe I am biased, well definitely I am biased, but I think Bob Dylan's new (or rather newest, it isn't exactly hot off the presses) album is fantastic. Then, I am a frequent drinker of the Dylan Kool-Aid. At sergioleoneifr.blogspot.com, Dennis Cozzalio recently posted one of his movie quizes and one of the questions was: "Is there a movie that would make you question the judgment and/or taste of a film critic, blogger or friend if you found out they were an advocate of it?" I struggled to answer that question, but I know its musical inverse by heart, because if anyone tells me that they think Bob Dylan makes bad music, or they can't stand his voice... (I have certainly heard this before in the great Linkin Park vs. Bob Dylan debates that left many with hurt feelings, though not me, I have no feelings... sob) Well, that's it. We aren't friends anymore. I can appreciate different opinions, but Bob is my litmus test. If you can't at least appreciate that it is high quality work, I just can't trust your opinions on anything else. Sure, some people only like electronica (I am looking at you, 3), but you're gonna have to serve my man Bob his due props.

Back to the album at hand, I think this is his finest work since the 70s (I like some of his stuff from the 80s, but never got that into Love and Theft or Time Out of Mind, but in the 70s he put out the best album of all time, and this one doesn't top that one). There aren't any songs I really dislike and I really like tracks 1, 2, 5, 6, 8 and 10.

Dylan's music is at its best when it communicates a feeling or experience, but doesn't get too specific and this album is full of those types of tracks. Like Steely Dan, attempts to really unpack what Dylan meant are fruitless from the start, because I don't think that Dylan sat around making up metaphors for Watergate or Vietnam that became his "115th Dream" or "Lily, Rosemary and the Jack of Hearts" (two excellent songs). His focus was far broader (and far more specific), though when he was specific ("Hurricane") he avoided the temptation that artists have to become jingoistic. Let me stress, that I am all for thinking a lot about Dylan and his music, I just don't believe there is a final answer out there. Most of the time Dylan was talking out of his ass anyway, just to fuck with people, consider these two quotes: "I've never written a political song. Songs can't save the world. I've gone through all that." and "I'm speaking for all of us. I'm the spokesman for a generation. " If there is a disconnect there, don't worry about it, maybe Bob could save us but he was too busy doing it better than anyone ever had or will.

Here is the video that prompted this post.
Slate Took it Down, but here is a link to the video.